Chapter 11: misunderstood.
yea..its quite hard emotionally to get by as me.. but im strong but here's why..
1 thing evry1 always gets wrong~ wen i appear bitchy im being sarcastic.. sometimes jst 2 test hw ppl wil react~ if u actually cared 2 look @ my expression/eyes (afterward/during) u can actually c im kidding..i'v never in my life [apart frm primary sch] been mean 2 any1 [unless u'v established that u dont lyk me~ in which case ill actually pay no attention 2 u~ which isnt the worst thing i cud do: just dont expect any favours from me!!]
THEN~ i hav different priorites than other ppl. 4 me and 4 others... so lyk when i do sumthn that i thnk is really nice u'll jst thnk its average. when i do sumthn average/don't do sumthn. then u find it offensiv ..which is annoying.
eg. scenario A: u'v bought me a $50 book voucher 4 my bday.. i will b UNHAPPY! u hav spent soo much on a bloody pointless gift.
a.) i dont like reading, b.)ur out 50 big ones. .. no. i wud rather u spend a little mor thought and a little less money
BECAUSE: money is veryveryvery important to me. i just cant deal wi sum1 wasting their money on stupid things.
ppl lyk me r quite rare actually.. but if u meet sum1 lyk me who likes books don't by them a $50 book voucher. track down their favourite book and get it in a special edition.. u no.. sumthn lyk that..if u actually wana spend a lot.. or lyk if the 1st time we met we ate peanuts.. buy me a pack of peanuts..
scenario B: ur sitting next 2 me.. [lucky u!] i wud lyk u 2 pass me the.. holepunch. and i say "can u pass me the holepunch?" and u stare @ me blankly. I KNOW ur waiting 4 me 2 say please! but wat a fkin stupid thing 2 waste time wi! and if ur too fkin bitchy 2 pass it 2 me widou the measely WORD pleeease then u dont deserv it anyway! if u wud jst pass it 2 me.. i will say THANK YOU. this is much mor meaningful as i mean it~ u deserv it 4 passing it 2 me, and im thankful.
if i say please or suck up in any way when its not necessary [ie ur not at a higher rank than me + i feel we can be casual 2getha + ur nt one of those sweet ppl~nice evry single moment OR im starting 2 dislyk u.. and need one more reason 2 not lyk u] i die a little bit inside! if u knew it killd me a bit evry time i suck up 2 u.. and u still want me 2.. then ur obviously not a very nice person..y wud u kill my dignity? hmm?? dont make me say sumthn its humiliating.
so wat isss important 2 me?
not much really.. i can probably sum it up in 3 points.:
- effort + depth of thought
- no one 2 EXPECT anything frm me.. ill do it if i will~ im stubborn so whining wont help~ some bribes do tho
- dont look down on me in front of my face~ ull hav hell 2 pay
i recycle gifts i dont wana keep shhh...
